different handwriting each time pen to paper

Change used to scare me. This is not to say that "I don't like change." I guess I may be just starting to understand how it works. Every day seeming like a different life used to make me feel like that's not what it's supposed to feel like.

I am so fascinated on how people can change. Looking back at photos, thinking about the gaps in memory, and initial reactions of difference help me uncover this change. I don't think change will ever cease to fascinate me.

I'm trying to look at events and moments of difference and the present equally connecting to the past and the future in a transcendentalist viewpoint. I like soaking things in just enough to allow them to reflect and bounce right off me as if sparks of light off a block of aluminum foil. Somehow I feel held back to my original state; as if these reflex's are somehow remembered and copied and stored in a side compartment for me to grasp occasionally.

I kind of feel as if the evolution of myself is like those early mario brothers video games (which btw I always felt awkward playing). I'm talking about the ones where mario jumps up and over a conveyor belt city or skyscrape and if he misses the mushroom or gets hit by a rock he automatically starts back at the beginning. I am mario and even though I am freely riding this conveyor belt toward somewhere, sometimes I'm strung back to the beginning. But I should mention that when playing these games alone, I always had a fascination of not going forward. I tried to test what would happen if I went backwards or just hung out among these mushrooms or question marks. Sometimes I would just stop and chill. Some people say video games are a way to go to another world and become that character. I always felt more conscious of myself while playing. I was not mario. I was Lisa awkwardly pressing A and B and occasionally that back button, to control mario.

(Haha that extended metaphor just got me psyched for my video games class).

Change use to scare me. I don't necessarily think that uneasiness of it's workings has gone away, I just think I am more conscious of it with every day.